This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
