just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
