I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
