A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
