if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
