I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
