i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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