I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
