i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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