3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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