Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
