mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
