Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You made out with two different species that night
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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