shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
