Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
