It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
