We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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