Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
