Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
