I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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