I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
