I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
