Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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