the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
