You can't special order awesome
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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