what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
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