I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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