So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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