She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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