I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
