I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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