I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
