i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
