McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
