god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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