True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
