Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
