Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You have to summon your inner elephant
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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