I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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