i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
