Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
