I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
