Pappa wants mamma naked
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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