I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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