2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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