someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
