my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
