all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
