thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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