Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
